16 11 / 2013
"Babe, saglit nga." He said pouting and I had to hold a laugh. He is too awesome and cute right now; all I wanted would be for him to scoop me up and take me into some far away refuge and make love then make love and make love.
"Babe, I have to go. I miss you…I love you…"
I uttered those words in succession and in between those chicken kisses that I might end up doing what I foremost thought- to topple him over, have him naked under me and set everything ablaze with that inner passion. Woah! My mind is on a roll. I thought.
"There, nakarami ka na. I really, really, really have to go. Mom would kill me if I won’t be home in a few. Alam mo naman yun, di ba?"
It pains me to see how his expression changed from vibrant to gloomy.
But when he smiled anew and pulled me for another hug. I felt relieved.
We are ok. We will be. I hope.
Strenuous steps…one, two, three, four…
Long, upbeat strides…running and walking at the same time…that is how I hurdled…
I am about to face my limbo…a scolding so bad, it would get me seriously grounded but I don’t mind…really.
A smile splashed across my face upon recalling what happened…with me…with us…
I swear those kids who saw me running up the street could only be taken aback by my unruly hair and unexplainably smiling face that weren’t a good combo if you’re about to see a stranger.
I had to be home fast.
Red gate. Large Lawn. Oh, God, please help me.
I opened the door and there she was, or should I say, there they were waiting for my arrival like I’m some sort of a long-lost relative doing her homecoming. The happy thoughts were easily replaced by fear and hesitation. Seeing my mother, Enrique and his parents in this ungodly hour could only mean one thing-I am screwed.
And now, memories set in…this one secret that I had to keep from Elmo…this secret that has been my biggest dilemma this past weeks…the one thing that Enrique had been trying to show off about since that moment in the library when I had to refuse and set aside my rendezvous with Elmo…
What?! Kasal?! Ma naman, are you serious? Really?!!!
Julie, listen to me, we need this.
No, Ma!!! YOU NEED THIS!!! God! At this time and age, you want me to marry Quen and for what? Money?! Unbelievable!!!
Julie, it’s not as simple as it sounds. Di mo rin naman maiintindihan bakit.
Then make me! What am I? Five? Para di ko maintindihan na you are tying me down coz you wanted that partnership with his parents to push through and ako, ako Ma, ako yung investment!
Julie, there is nothing that we could do to change this. They had my word.
Yes, Ma. Yours, not mine.
On the other side of the door, on that fated day, I saw Quen standing and waiting. I had to look at him straight…he moved forward as if he wanted to talk but I denied him the chance.
Since then, days passed in school and Enrique and I talked as if nothing happened.
He never initiated the discussion, as to why and how such arrangement came in full view.
I hated the idea…yes, that is the better term.
I don’t want to marry this early…I don’t want to be tied down…but most especially, I do not want to marry anyone if not for love and there is only one man who owns me…and it is not Quen…never…
Now…this is my now…facing me…battling with me.
I closed the door behind me and tried giving my mom a peck on the cheek but she refused. I kissed Quen’s mother instead and I was there rooted to my spot like an unmoved piece of hardwood.
San ka nanggaling?
Sinong kasama mo?
I saw Quen…his unsure expression, that eyes that bore through me like piercing needles…I am not even certain if it’s guilt or what.
And the next thing I knew that harsh reflex of my mom’s hand landing onto my left cheek with no further ado. It wasn’t the first time that we fought but it surely was the first time that I got hit. Tears instantly rolled down my cheeks and I was there sobbing like a lost puppy.
She was mad, I get it. I am mad, too but unlike her, I am mad coz I wanted to scream what’s been hurting me since I found out about my fixed marriage…a future that was set by everybody except myself…if only I could scream at the top of my lungs and blame everyone else…if only I could do such a thing but I love my mother…ever since my father left us, she never bailed on raising me, loving me…I just couldn’t accept the idea that I had to marry Quen…to save us both…to help her.
Julie, ano bang akala mo sa akin…tanga..maloloko mo. I know that kung sino ang kasama mo. Kilala ko siya and I am so disappointed dahil nawala ka magdamag just to be with that guy.Ano bang iniisip mo? Na di ko malalaman? Na walang magsasabi sa akin? Na di makakarating?
My mom said those words and for the second time, I paid Quen another look and he was already looking down…abashed. Instantly, I knew who was my mom’s source…he is.
If only I could slap him the way my mom did then we’re even.
Julie, if this your own little way of escaping, of undoing my plan, then you are very wrong young lady, coz the marriage will push through…in fact, it will push through as soon as possible, we won’t be waiting for you to graduate.
Ma…ayoko. Ma…please, don’t do this…
I am doing this. So better go upstairs, go to your room, get some sleep and I will let this pass this time, just this time, di ko na uungkatin to…ang di mo pag-uwi, ang tungkol sa kanya.
It was firm, hard and harsh and because I could not see myself being drenched by my own tears in front of Quen and his parents, I obliged to do what my mother asked. I started moving, walking in very laborious steps…as I reached the stairs, my mom made sure that I remembered this day…this moment…that I am no longer free to do what I want…to choose my destiny.
I could only envision those eyes that followed as I walked…
I could only see Quen and his parents not saying but speaking the loudest things in their heads.
I took the first step, I was gripping the baluster as I moved forward…the sweat in my palm spoke of fear…it is ironically an explicit form of feeling the worst pain ever- anger and disapproval; loss and suffering…on the outside, it seemed easy, but on the inside, it’s like…I died.
People…places…at one point, in their lives, they will be displaced. You will wake up and find yourself that everything has changed.
We all have problems to bear and mine seemed unimportant as compared to what others may be facing…pero may sasakit pa ba sa ideyang kailangan mong iwan ang taong mahal mo kahit mahal mo pa siya? Sabihin sa kanya na mula sa araw na to…kailangan niyang magpatuloy ng wala ka.
Nakakatawa…may mga taong akala nila madali ang magmahal sa ganitong sitwasyon…totoo, wala naman talaga siguro itong nararamdaman kong sakit kung ikukumpara sa iba pero ang sakit ng puso…sakit pa din sa puso…kahit ano pang dahilan o sitwasyon…sakit pa din yun…iiyak ka pa din…mahihirapan…aasa…masasaktan….ng paulit-ulit.
Dito…dito sa lugar kung san kailangan kong harapin siya, para sabihin na di na kami pwede…di ko alam if mapapatawad ba niya ko pagkatapos nito pero mas okay na sigurong malaman niya mula sa akin…kesa sa iba.
Ramdam ko yung hangin…that slightly cold breeze brushing onto my face…sweeping my hair…
I could barely hear whispers; that joyous chatter from a group of students nearby…seeing them, smiling, laughing…made me wanna cry…ang saya nila…sana ako din…sana after nito, makuha ko pa ding maging masaya…
Then I saw him…he was carrying with him this bunch of roses, I hated flowers honestly…alam niya yun but still he is giving me some…sweet.
That smile…parang walang makakasira sa sayang nararamdaman niya…if only he knew that I would ruin it minutes from now…kung alam lang niya talaga di ba…
He hugged me instantly…his lips touching my forehead then he bent over so that he could give me another soft kiss on my lips.
His warm breath…his taste…the way he embraces…I feel like I’m one nestling canary, burying itself towards safety…that’s it…Elmo was and is my comfort zone…my security blanket…I could stay in his arms forever and be unafraid.
Di ko na napigilan and I hugged him back…mahigpit, sobrang higpit. May segundo pa nga na parang natatawa na siya, gustong kumawala pero I was just there, hugging him, so tight…ayoko siyang pakawalan.
Babe…kung makayakap naman, parang tatakbo ako ah,haha
His short but much felt chuckle…his resonating laugh that came after…God, how do you break up with someone ng di siya masasaktan…how do you cut the cord that binds…how do you say no when your whole being is saying yes…
He then saw tears and I had to give in to my tears…one, two large drops, di ko alam but unlike that instance back in the car, when his expression changed from happy to gloomy, this time, it happened again and unlike that instance back in the car, when he drove me home after spending our first night together, that expression remained…unaltered…unchanged.
Jules…tell me, may problem ba? Sinaktan ka ba ng mama mo? Alam na ba niya?
I took a step back…wiped my tears…flattened my shirt and looked at him straight.
Moe…we are done…I give up.
15 11 / 2013
Option. I am not really digging where he has been getting these ideas for in my mind, he is the only reason why I wanted to be in school, stay where he is and be with him.
He stood up and started walking and I had to follow suit.
“Babe, wait up! Teka nga lang kasi!”
But he has no plans of listening. He keeps on walking. I could see several students walking past us and taking glances. I grabbed his arm but he just continued walking.
“Ano ba? Babe! Wait lang kasi!”
His long strides made it quite hard for me to keep up. We reached the parking lot .
“Moe, ano ba.”
Then he suddenly halted and faced me.
“Sige, babe, explain everything to me. Masisi mo ba ko na isipin ko yun? Ha?”
“No, and oo tama ka, ako na yung mali, happy?”
“ Bakit, sinabi ko ba na mali ka, may sinabi ako na ganyan?”
“Eh ano ba talaga ang punto mo, di kita maintindihan eh!”
He closed in and his face was a few inches away from mine.
I suddenly felt his hand on my nape, with his other hand on my waist. He pulled me close and the next thing I knew, our lips had touched.
It wasn’t gentle neither was it harsh.
But the way he kissed me, I could sense this longing. I knew that for several weeks now, we never got the chance to do this…to be just us. And it pains me that while his kisses were something that I would definitely not replace with anyone else’s, the fact that we had to fight just to end up this way is quite a realization that what we have isn’t easy.
That night, we ran away. He told me that he needs me and he wants to spend the night with me. I was nervous for I knew that what’s going to happen next means change.
In this dimly-lit room, with that flicker of a light coming from the glittery moon, I am drawing short breaths.
Surely, we kissed…we made out…we shared romantic and sensual moments and each time that we did, I could feel every butterfly in my belly, spreading its wings, fluttering into that expanse of love that only a pure heart could give.
I never knew that I would be capable of giving myself this way…
I was sitting on his lap, his back resting on the headboard and gazes were met.
I kissed his lips and now, my hands were running up and down his chest. His fingers gave me the chills as it began touching my back.
Snapping out of my reverie, I was so lost in his kisses. It deepens and as we go on, the more I want him.
He looked me in the eye after breaking from the kiss,
“You trust me?” And I simply nodded. He then resumed kissing me, I could feel his upper lip brushing slowly against my lower lip and I let out a soft moan. His hands began traveling inside my shirt and I allowed him to freely take it off.
He then flipped me over and he started kissing my neck, he even whispered those three sweet words and continued those soft kisses down my chest and belly. Everything was new for me…with him, being my first. I could not even fully remember how he got me all naked.
I never imagined that a person’s touch could make you go crazy, dizzy.
I never really imagined that making love would be this welcoming. I would never say no to him. Never.
Those lost moments…missed opportunities of being together would now be replaced by this one encounter. I longed for this. I needed him and if being physical with Elmo means giving up my innocence, then I would gladly offer him myself…
His every touch as it rubs against my skin…his every kiss that would gently and at times grace my body slowly increased the tension. He was on top of me…doing his job…with those big and able hands of his working on my body; I would either squirm or move against his touch.
He would kiss my neck gently and I would feel his soft lips against my lips as his hands masterfully explore every curve.
The next thing I knew, as he moved lower, his lips would cover one mound and that his tongue would work wonders, moving around one tip, sucking, tasting. The feeling was unexplainable.
I would closely watch as he sucked and for a moment, I saw him look up meeting my gaze. I just closed my eyes, bit my lip and there I felt his other hand massaging my other breast; his thumb finally playing with its tip. I, on the other hand, was left drawing short breaths, arching my back a bit so that he would have total access.
This…what he does…it brought me to this whole new level of awakening. Kisses down my belly then pelvic bone came next.
Nervousness ran through me. His kisses up and down my thigh felt amazing. He looks doubly hot as he does that. He even halted somewhat asking if he should stop and I paid him a soft smile and closed my eyes again.
With his every move, I am drawn further to this abyss of pleasure; I am unable to think straight. But that is how you make love…you are feeling and you are not supposed to think straight.
He was gentle…
My core is becoming wetter by the minute and with every flick of his tongue to my every curve and crevice, the more I drip…moved…
I could never clearly fathom the feeling…this feeling of being owned. A first for me and a first for him…together, we explored.
As I squirmed and tried moving back from him, he got my legs locked with his face in between and continued.
The deeper his tongue got, the more I got consumed.
It was haste; a swift movement of my insides to what practically is physical.
It was like a conclave of emotions being poured out and I could never decipher how it felt…my words would never be enough.
It is one thing when you shared something special with someone and sharing that something with someone you love…someone who also loves you back is another, that making love isn’t about the consummation of what is entirely physical.
I began to tremble as he went deeper…his tongue going further.
Harder breaths…that mere tightening of my belly proved inviting that I started gripping onto the sheets. This pleasure…this gradual loss of innocence…with him…is something that won’t be a taboo…I am giving myself to the boy…to the man who owns my heart in every bit of it.
I am giving myself with no hesitation…without any questions…no second thoughts or whatsoever.
This surge of emotions was felt alongside the wave of pleasure…he went faster and I kept on moving…feeling.
By this time, he lowered himself and passionately, he kissed me. His nakedness was a sight…a feast. Despite the fact that my inability to do wonders with it surfaces, I too have lusted…felt raw and intense longing to satisfy…and yes, it needs to be quenched.
Wanting a person for so long brings you to a multitude of emotions…craving even.
And seeing what you want right now is close to tasting that ever delish piece of mouth-watering display of brawn and muscles.
He tried to soothe my nerves by kissing me first…
His face resting on the crook of my neck, I felt him kiss then bit. My core was throbbing with that initial stab but as he goes deeper and faster…the minutes of pain were then replaced by a likely mix- pleasure and craziness combined.
I somewhat bit his shoulder, my nails at some point were digging into his bare back and as he bites back…nibbled and tasted…our bodies had been into that outpour; we were dancing in the dark.
Glistening with sweat and smelling the love emanating from this sacred place of making love, Moe and I…we then became one.
Exhausted and spent…my mind is whirling…covered under the sheets…my fingers running through his hair…my thoughts were treading.
Tonight is the first time that I have seen him sleep…beside me and it was a beautiful sight.
The hours that passed…the joining of two physical beings into that wilderness of longing and desire…it was something that would fill my memory bank. I smiled.
But then a beep disturbed me. I moved slowly to not wake him up and when I reached for my phone, reality had bitten me…
I need to be home. Now.
To anyone who wants to catch up and read the previous chaps, click this:
02 10 / 2013
(To those who have lost in heart)
Of failed romances and false hopes, how some princess wishes to find this elusive cupid, who by then rightfully seizes his arrow and with all his mighty brawn, finally casts its spell to the very heart of the unknown prince, and if only there’s an antidote to the venom called heart break, we’ll see less of weary faces and know none of star-crossed lovers.
In love, a person tends settling for what’s ideal or the choice that is seemingly close to what he or she has in mind. We all do. I mean, what’s a feeling worth cherishing but truly finding the man or woman of your dreams? Isn’t it great finally owning that chance, of not plainly dreaming but spending such days, with the one who gladly accepts his destiny with you? We hope to choose partners with steady heads though bare our souls with fragile hearts. It never comes easy so are soul mates coming in flickering light. You know, as well as I do, that choosing is like deciphering the hues of black and white. There will be the grays, ivories, off whites so on and so forth.
Love is supposed to be a great feeling. One that sets our spirits in a high and feeling the spark as others define it. I think and this I tell my friends that perhaps finding love is like working with the unpredictable hands of time. You try finding it, you lose it. You let it go and it comes right through you like a big punch in the face. There is nothing wrong with making things happen like putting yourself out there, exploring every possibility, but making it your personal mission, isn’t worth the hourglass. Besides, the harder you try, the longer you find the list of possible disappointments.
You fall in and out love for different reasons, knowing in fact that this is something that spells commitment and faith, driving people at their best and drowning them in their worst. How yours can be magical or not, beautifully written or even tragically inspired, but I wish that in matters of the heart, we could be one in saying, that love is all about finding happiness with the least words spoken, with more actions given.
Love has its ups and downs, one of which is the risk of losing oneself as you hurdle with it. Finding Mr. or Ms. Right is a true blue aspiration but what happens if we’re worn out trying, what can we do? That for some odd reason, we cannot simply wish for it, unless we act upon our gut or we do something yet fail. That’s the complexity of love. That’s why I admire those who are willing to turn every new leaf, and tirelessly aim anew. Kindly remember how relationships are born out of worth and acceptance, the people you choose to come into your life, might well be the most significant that even with the absence of an intimate partner you can still be complete and happy. Delaying the grudge is lagging behind those tears and facing good old times with family. There’s more to life and you know it.
Being alone adds pressure like a nagging voice speaking in high volume. The fear and the constant nuisances brought by others can either be a driving force or a brink off the road. To each is own, that’s how love settles itself, for it’s you that will do all the deciding, realizing that the advice of a most loyal friend seems eloquently useless. Surprisingly even, you find the most ridiculous and stupid as the most rational thinking there is.
For me, praises go to those who never complain, who manage to go on despite a number of falling-out-of-love sequences. They are the people who can fall short but is always facing a promising road. Theirs is a chase that will continue no matter what and will try to give their hundred percent if they do find their armored knight. Well, for the ones who seem to have missed all their lives, those who face every imaginable pain and might have owned the wall of crying shame, I wish you nothing but strength. It takes time to heal. Such makes you totally spent, but the chase remains open. Love is also a game, my friend. Playing it is a process where only the strong fits in.
Love remains as our breathing air, where we open our lives to friends and strangers alike. Love appears to be the rainbow so is the pot of gold in line. As long as we can find ways to express our concern, care and affection, love will always be knocking at our door.
You may have known anyone or you could be the one dealing with heart breaking loss. Like long-term relationships squandered, prospects appeared twisted, ideals proved wrong, but the joy of love never leaves us. Gone not are the memories, happy moments, unforgettable faces, true friends and special places. There is so much about love that we cannot understand until we experience them. The “spark” may not always be there, but believing is also about hope.
We often think ahead, carrying with us the chance of finally having someone, who definitely cares and loves us back. How we see ourselves, attune with the beautiful music, created by two people in love. For love is a fleeting feather in time. It comes and goes. But once it hit us, it surely stays, seeking its way towards the deserving heart. It does not need searching for it usually finds us. It always does.
(Created by the author on the 20th of June, 2008)
True enough, every written piece, once you read it back, will always leave you with a different impression; comprehension changes and you will be surprised.
28 9 / 2013
When you think of the past, it will make you realize everything; the joy of finding someone and the pains along with it.
When Elmo and I decided to be together, we were happy if not the happiest.
The feelings were so intense that during that time, we felt that no one and nothing could ever break us.
We had the highest hopes and he would often say that if there is one thing that he wants? That would be for us to grow
old…together…and honestly, I like that.
Nights of seemingly endless conversations after a day of being together…those were just parcels of what we had.
We thought of creating our future…babies and all.
"Babe, do you wanna have kids?"
He would ask and I would be like, “Uhm…know what? Kung magkaroon eh di okay, kung hindi naman, eh di okay,haha!”
"Gusto mo ako na lang ang magbigay sa’yo ng babies? Hahaha!"
And I would laugh out loud, ‘coz at the back of my head, that was too far-fetched, matagal pa siguro yun.
It is true that when you enter a relationship, you are supposed to think about the future, your future, together.
It’s just that I had someone else planning my “future” for me and as much as Elmo and I wanted to create our own, my family
has other plans…
It was a long drive from school and Elmo drove me home. But instead of having him inside our house, I had to make him stop a few blocks
from where our house was simply because my mom didn’t know.
It was a chip off his pride…Elmo’s…ramdam ko yun but he did not say anything…he understood.
And kahit di ako nagsasalita…it pains me that he understood.
Red gate. Large lawn. A few steps and there I was standing in our front door.
I saw an unfamiliar car parked in our garage and I wondered who could that be.
Our househelp opened the door and I entered…and when I went to the living room, there was someone waiting for me, judging with
the way my mom smiles, I somehow knew… my heart sank for I already anticipated what’s next…
"Jules, good thing you’re here already. Enrique, here’s my daughter, Jules, remember?"
Enrique. His features say it all. He was the typical good-looking guy, decent, nice smile.
We used to study in the same high school but his family moved to the States and I guess, they’re here for a visit or maybe not.
"Hi, Quen! Nice seeing you again, it’s been what? Two years?"
He then walked towards me and suddenly gave me a soft kiss on the cheek, I was taken aback by what he did but because my mother
was there giving me the eye, I just smiled.
"Hi, Jules! Looking good."
"Thanks, uhm, Ma, akyat muna ko ah."
Then my mom, like an expert in making things suddenly favorable on her behalf, readily said,
"Kayong dalawa, dito muna kayo ah, ikaw Jules, kausapin mo muna si Quen, tutal you’ll be schoolmates soon."
Me, Elmo and Enrique…in one school. Not so loving it.
And who would have thought that such coincidence, if you may call it, would start the wind that would ignite the storm that Elmo and I wasn’t that ready to hurl with.
Pain strikes when you least expect it. That gradual stab in your heart that would be firstly felt when you are least aware, that is how pain does its job.
Moe and I were never the same again after he knew about Enrique.
I had to tell him numerous times that Quen and I are friends. Just friends.
He seemed to have languished over the idea that we can’t really go public with our relationship. Of course, our group and closest friends know about us
but my family? It was a different story.
And because I had to do whatever it takes to conceal what Elmo and I have, I could not tell Quen about us either and it makes me sick to my stomach,
thinking how hard it could have been for Elmo to act normal around him.
Library. Two in the afternoon. That first dent. Another chip off my babe’s pride…it had to start somewhere and this is how it went.
I was leafing through the pages of this Hemingway classic pretending that I was reading this story for my book report the coming day.
"Jules, are you okay, parang di ka mapakali ah."
It was Quen, who at that same time, was reading his essay that would be due later in the evening.”
"Quen, do I have to really wait for you tonight? I mean, kelangan ko kasing umuwi agad eh."
He looked at me and because I was about to lie, I had to look convincing but I guess, I was and will never be a good liar.
"Bakit? Aminin mo na. Sige na."
What is he up to? My mind was asking.
He then moved his seat, leaned close and whispered to my ear,
"Aminin mo, natatakot ka noh?"
The hell. What was he exactly thinking? And yes, it was me asking me.
"Nothing. Bakit naman ako matatakot? Ano bang sinasabi mo?"
I am irritated, annoyed that he seemed to be pulling a trick on me or something.
"C’mon, Jules, don’t tell me wala kang idea sa sinasabi ko, ako kasi? Alam ko. Alam na alam ko."
"SSSSHHHH." That was the nerdy librarian shutting us up, thus, I had to lean close and whisper too.
"Anong alam ko, all I want is to go home right after my last class coz I have something important to do. Yun lang."
He was about to open his mouth; about to utter something but the vibrating in my right pocket was a good distraction.
I could sense that Quen was looking so,
"Do you mind?"
He then moved a bit farther and there I saw a message coming from my lifesaver. Elmo.
Babe!! Na-miss kita, mamaya ha, don’t forget, love you. :)
Sige, love you. Can’t wait hehe.
I was already placing my phone back to my pocket when it vibrated,
A message…from Mom.
Julie. We need to talk. I expect you to be home right after class.
Minsan, may mga bagay na kahit ayaw nating bitawan, kailangan kasi napipilitan tayo. Iyong inaakala natin na gagawin nating tama, nakakasakit na pala
sa taong sobrang nagmamahal sa atin. Kahit pa gaanong kaliit ang pagkukulang, kapag nasimulan, pareho lang din naman ang resulta- masakit pa din.
When I told Elmo that we had to postpone our date, he said yes but I knew that he was hurt.
Lahat ng bagay nagsisimula sa maliit. Yung mga hinanakit, maliit man ang dahilan sa simula, hinanakit pa din.
At sa ganoong paraan din kami nagsimulang magkaroon ng hinanakit…ng pagdududa…ng pagtatanong…
Sa mga maliliit na bagay na dahan-dahang tumutusok sa puso ng taong mahal mo…dala ng pagmamahal niya sa’yo.
Bilang babae, gagawa ka ng paraan, bilang ako ang nagkukulang sa may kung ilang pagtanggi ko kay Elmo, it seemed that I had this urgent need
to prove my love to him, in ways na kaya ko…bilang ako.
That first denial…that first “no” proved to be fatal for it led to numerous No’s.
It became a cycle. He would plan and set a date, I would agree and become overly excited then in the end, it won’t push through.
And each time it happens, parang gusto mo na lang sumigaw, sa inis, sa buwisit, sa dahilang tila ba di kayo magtagpo.
He had his own classes and I had my own schedule.
He would make time and when we are already trying to reconnect, something would suddenly come up thus causing me to delay things over and over.
And every time that I had to turn my back, ang sakit sa puso ko, I may not be verbalizing what I am feeling pero halos gusto kong ibalik lahat ng di ko
naibibigay sa kanya…but the only question is- Paano?
The first straw. It was drawn a bit early.
I am already having my hardest time dealing with my incapacities as a girlfriend and while I was stretched to do things back home, which by the way, was
a disaster knowing “what I had learned,” I had to pretend that I was okay, kaya di ko sinabi sa kanya ang nalaman ko…ang pinagdadaanan ko.
Our time became more limited. Halos di na kami nagkikita sa school ni Elmo.
Decent conversations started to dwindle since we both have to work doubly hard in school.
One time, naabutan ko siya, in that same spot where he and I firstly confessed about us being us. And like that dreamy setting in a romantic film,
everything seemed surreal, the same familiar crowd, students passing by, with the same lamp posts shedding light. It was a familiar setting
bearing an unpleasant mood; yung usual na nararamdaman kapag tila ba di na kayo gaanong nag-uusap, yung pakiramdam na kahit malapit kayo sa isa’t isa, parang
napakalayo pa din…ang hirap.
At tulad ng naunang pagkikita namin dito…he was the one who spoke first,
"Kamusta ka na?"
Strange for we are a couple yet he began like a long-lost friend.
"Okay naman, ikaw?"
Silence. That type where you wanna say something but actually can’t…for fear of saying the wrong thing.
And what is worse when it comes to having the intermittent delays in a relationship; yung mga pangyayaring, kahit di kalakihan, unti-unting nag-gigiveaway
sa mga tanong? The questioning never stops…it happens still and it grows bigger than what it should be…
He looked at me, boring through me, and seeing his expression, it is hurting me.
Ramdam ko yung lungkot, yung pain na kahit pa di ko inakalang kaya kong gawin o ipadama sa kanya, alam kong nagagawa ko if not nagawa ko na.
And I cannot change anything. Andun na yun.
He continued speaking and the only pleasing gesture that I could do was to listen. To him.
"So this is what happens when you love someone so much, right…kaya mo nang magpakatanga…yung tanggapin lahat without asking questions.."
And I was just sitting there beside him; I couldn’t even move a limb…
"Alam mo bang mahal na mahal kita, kaya kong tiisin lahat para sa’yo…when you told me that your mom won’t approve of us, kahit ayaw ko na di magpakita, pumayag ako
kasi katwiran ko makita lang kita, okay na. I won’t ask for anything; I won’t demand for your time, kung ano lang yung pwede, basta wag ka lang ma-stress.”
And he let out a soft laugh then spoke once more,
"Minsan, kapag kausap kita at nasa sa inyo ka na, kahit gusto pa kitang kausap, I won’t say a thing kapag kelangan mo nang magpaalam, baka kasi mahuli ka ng nanay mo. Nakakatawa
kasi di tayo maging legal.”
"And then… he came…dun ko nakita na mas mahirap pala. Coz suddenly, there was someone else demanding for your time at hindi ako yun. And I had to act na wala lang, di
naman ako seloso eh, kung nagseselos man ako, I know how to handle it, pero kapag dumarating na yung point na natatanong ko, ano ba ko sa’yo? Dun ko lang
naiisip na ano nga ba ako?”
"Moe, mahal kita, kung tatanungin mo ko, sino yung mahal ko ngayon, ikaw lang naman yun eh. Wala ng iba."
"Eh bakit ganun, Jules! Why am I feeling like this?!"
"Like I’m just an option. Ayokong maging option, Jules, ayoko."
His eyes were boring right through me…I could not utter a word.
I love him. I would do anything just to be with him.
I am willing to take every known risk…but how would you convince someone who is hurting?
Paano mo sasabihin sa kanya na yung nararamdaman niya did not even cross your mind?
How will you tell someone who loves you greatly that you have the same amount of great love and that you are also hurting ‘coz you can’t be the ideal person
Ang alam ko lang…ngayon…that first dent…that first chip off his pride…that first straw was drawn and it is hurting him…big time.
22 9 / 2013
This heart is guarded for too long.
But this time, I am allowing myself to love.
I was waiting in our favorite spot….I’ve been watching students do their stuff, go about their business and watching these random people made me realize how
the world moves despite me stalling…
I am waiting for Elmo.
I asked Zia to call him, to tell him that I wanted to talk.
I never anticipated a yes but I am in dire need of gaining an affirmation…
I was sitting comfortably…had my legs crossed, humming my favorite song.
The night before, I practiced my supposed “speech”; I don’t want to miss out on anything, I wanted to make him feel that I was not mad.
If only he knew.
Five..ten…minutes and the cold breeze started to blow. It was almost six but the skies aren’t darker…maybe, my mood, that vibrant lovely mood
when you are feeling so hopeful and happy is rubbing in that the entire atmosphere could almost taste it too.
Been checking the time and what took like forever seemed lighter; strangely, it was.
His voice…the very sound that I wanted to hear since yesterday has been heard and as much as I wanted to conceal thy joy, my smile was a spoiler.
"Moe, long time no see ah. Musta?"
Casual talk. Another way of putting real intentions on hold. But I hate delays. I am a female who wants my truth now but his presence seemed to convince my mind
that perhaps, he should initiate the talking…
Slowly, he moved towards me…sat beside me…I am anxious but in a good kind of way.
A few minutes passed and gradually, the crowd before us is starting to thin out.
The once lighter skies are slowly getting dimmer and one by one, the lamp posts surrounding this huge field were already giving light.
"Are you mad?"
He started and I was like, “Hell no, ang saya ko nga eh.” But yeah, it was my mind who is the main source of that.
"What made you think that I am?"
Aarrgh. How come it’s like pulling teeth, this should be easy, we’re better than this, I thought.
That’s it, I had to say something.
"Moe, I’m not mad. And please, stop apologizing. You should never be sorry for liking someone, it is not how it works."
I then noticed how he pulled back a bit, straightened his legs out while I, remained sitting cross-legged. Cramps are setting in, I could feel it.
"Sobrang nakakahiya kasi. Loko ‘tong si Dave, malalagot talaga sa akin yun eh, babangasan ko yun eh, sa dinami-dami ng dadaldalan si Wacks pa. Eh di naman yun
makakapagtago sa yo eh.”
"Hahahaha! wag naman, maawa ka naman kay Dave, malay mo naman napakwento lang."
Laughter, we shared many of those. Every time we talk, those late-night hours of chatting and babbling, his laugh had been a daily dose.
"So…is it true?"
I had to ask. I have to know.
He sighed. I looked to my side to take a peek and there he was looking ahead.
"Umiwas ako. Ayoko kasing magalit ka o mawalan ng tiwala sa akin. Di ko rin alam how it happened. Di ko naman pinilit, nangyari na lang."
"Alam mo." But he interrupted me, I am not even sure if he was hearing me speak for he continued,
"I told my mom about you. Sabi niya, kung talaga daw na ayaw kitang mawala then maybe, friendship would be the best option. She told me
na I should respect you, our friendship. Natatakot kasi ako na pag sinunod ko…yung gusto
ko…mawala ka lang.”
"Maski nga sina Ate, kinausap ko din eh. Kilala ka nila kasi nakukuwento din kita, pinakita ko pa nga yung picture mo, maganda ka daw kaso binatukan pa ko
"Ah eh, wait, pano-"
"Ayun, pati si Daddy binibiro ako."
"Parang ang aga ko daw umuwi ganyan."
"Sinabi ko naman lahat, yung nararamdaman ko, bakit ako nahihirapan."
"Pwede bang magsalita? Ako naman, pwede?"
"What if, di ako galit kasi…parang ako lang ikaw?"
"Tulad mo, di ko din naman pinilit eh. Nangyari na lang."
"May nararamdaman din ako para sa’yo…mukhang sabay pa nga nating na-realize eh."
"So…pano na ngayon? Tayo na?"
What happened next was so fast, kasing bilis din ng tibok ng puso ko. When he pulled me close for a hug…
that moment, our hearts already knew that we want each other and when you
find yourself in that situation- the feeling of being wanted by someone you want?
Clearly, it is happiness.
There is no turning back.
All loves have a great beginning;
Finding someone who loves you the very same way that you do is heaven.
There is magic.
I felt it the first time I saw her; seeing her, I somehow knew that my life would change.
I was known for playing with love.
But with Julie, it is different.
When she came, there was this dream of pursuing something that I never really tried.
Even I had a hard time absorbing how intense my feeling was for her.
It was like a new dream; something that I wanted in my life and right now, I have her.
"Babe!!!! Good morning!!! I love you, will text you back pag nasa first class na ko. See you later."
"Babe!!! I love you more!!!!"
"May namimiss ako…uhm, yung babe ko. :("
"Hahaha, I miss you more. :)"
Messages sent to and fro. Love notes. Sweet exchange of thoughts.
we are the typical lovers for starters. Our hearts would always frolick and play alongside these simple gestures.
Whenever we fight, Julie would normally be the first one to say sorry…and she knew how to get me…she knew how
to make me feel right.
"Babe…my love for you is greater than my ego…sorry na, please? :("
But one thing that I could never forget was when I tried asking her why she never got mad upon learning how I feel…
kung bakit she decided to take the risk…putting our friendship at risk in exchange of us, having a real relationship…
"I want to love you…the best way I can…and if others would think that love between good friends could mean disaster,
miserable even…might as well take the chance…I love you, so I thought…If loving you becomes a misery…then let’s be miserable together.”
"Hahaha!!! Maka-line naman babe!" I would remark after.
And she would always flash that cute smile of hers…that same smile that captured my attention back at the time when I first saw her.
Our friends would tease us, but we don’t care.
We are into expressing our love for that is how it should be.
Like today…we were sitting by the porch of a friend’s house and sat there like no one sees.
We would hold hands and I would kiss her temple and she would close her eyes as she receives it.
"Babe…mahirap ba kong maging girlfriend?"
I smirked then said,
"Uhm…medyo,hahahaha! Kasi nagger ka, impulsive, napaka selosa, nakakairita,hahaha!Pero…yang mga qualities mo ding yan ang
nami-miss ko.Saka ikaw na yung mahaba ang pasensiya,alam ang weakness ko, matalino,hahaha! Uy, kinikilig,haha!”
"Di ah,hahaha! Wait, bakit parang mas madami yung ayaw sa gusto? Hmp!"
"Uy, hindi kaya,hahaha!"
"Eh bakit walang mabait dun sa listahan mo?"
"Ay naku, kasi baka pag sinabi kong mabait ka, pasaway ka na naman,hahaha! Eh ako, mahirap akong maging boyfriend noh?"
"Uhuh! Ang hirap mong basahin, suplado, kadalasan yung inaakala kong iniisip mo, di pala, ah basta, ang hirap talaga,hahaha!Pero…
di ko naman goal na baguhin ka. Kung gusto mo mang mag-change,change should begin with you.”
"Dapat lang saka babe, lalo kang babait sa akin, ako lang ang makakagawa niyan,hahaha! Magugulat na lang silang lahat,haha!"
And before she could come up with another witty line to catch me off guard, I would lean close and give her a quick kiss.
"I love you…" She would said
"I love you more…mas mahal na mahal kita."
If only all great loves would remain great…
If only pain doesn’t appear in the midst of my happiness…then our love would have been nothing but perfect.